Zuzubean Press
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      • Reviews!
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        • Another Taste
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    • "Just Because My Husband's a Woman..." >
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  • ZBP IN THE MEDIA: TV, RADIO, STAGE & VIDEO
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      • MARCY ON TLC
      • SJ ON "THE SPICY LIFE"
      • RADIO & PODCAST Interviews
      • SJ ON "DENNIS ANYONE?" PODCAST
      • SCOTTIE'S GUEST APPEARANCE ON ALLERGY ACTRESS COOKING SHOW
    • WORLD STAGED READING PREMIERE "THE OTHER WOMAN"- TV SERIES BASED ON "GETTING BACK TO ME"
    • "BOTH SIDES OF THE STORY" VODCAST >
      • Episode 1 - The Introduction, and "IT"
      • Episode 2 -
      • Episode 2 - Pt 2
      • Episode 3 - Pt 2
      • Episode 3 -
      • Episode 4 -
      • Episode 5
      • Episode 6
      • Episode 7
      • Episode 8
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      • Episode 35
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      • Episode 44
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Another taste of "Getting Back To Me" - The Introduction
Picture
I knew being who I really am wasn’t in the cards for me. So I came up with a noble plan. I would earn my womanhood next lifetime by being everyone’s best man this go-around.
Which almost worked.
It all started with a simple question – How could my life be so wrong? I was known for being not only happy but “too god damned exuberant!” Well, if that was true, then how could those thoughts and feelings that stalked the “happy” – constantly hanging over it, like bats in a cave – be so consumed with “it?”
If I closed my eyes “it” was there.
When I opened them, “it” was still there.
When I was happy, “it” was there to dim the light.
When I was sad, “it” would seize the moment and blow up my depression to epic proportions.
Nothing could ever dispel the darkness when “it” descended. Despite all I did to hide “it,” run from “it,” and keep “it” behind fortress walls, “it” became stronger. “It” was the terminal denial I learned to use to imprison myself, a choking black smoke so thick it drowned out the pounding of fists pleading for release from the dungeon:  
I am, and always have been, a woman.
But the above statement means nothing, certainly not worthy of the crushing weight described, unless you know that my body had been born a boy, forced to live a boy’s life, destined to die a false and ultimately lonely death. This crime was perfect in its undeniable plausibility: I was the firstborn, my father’s only son, my mother’s “baby,” and my three little sisters’ “big bro.” I cherished my position, loving the responsibility of caring, watching over and protecting them more than oxygen.
Life kept trying to affirm the mirror’s male reflection. I was all boy: good at sports, a leader, captain and coach. As I grew older, I found true love and heavenly marriage.
As a filmmaker/television producer in the adventure-documentary world, “success” was my armor of choice and I hid myself behind a carefully constructed “dude” who was at home in the gritty outdoor arena of remote mountaintops and dense jungles. I developed a hard-won reputation for leading my crews into some of the most dangerous places in the world and then home again safely, and military alpha-wolves to places not even they dreamed of conquering. And they all trusted me as the one who has been there, done that, with heavier equipment.
I had built a great guy named Scott.
He was a good man, damnit, and I was killing myself to insure that.
He wasn’t a lie, a fake or an imposter, but steward and stand-in for the me locked away by my own hand.
It took until this past year to really accept that. But it’s one thing to accept the cause of the suffocating veil that hung over my life, sticking to every thought, prayer and feeling. . .
And quite another to do something about it.
 
When “it” didn’t go away, never got outgrown, became harder and harder to ignore, and I still didn’t do anything about it, Grace had to take over for me. And for once, I was smart enough and strong enough to get out of its way.
 
But I’m getting ahead of myself…
Scottie Jeanette Christine Madden, Summer 2015



  • HOME
    • about us
    • MYLOVE
  • Books, Blogs & Writings,...
    • RECKLASS IN THE KITCHEN! >
      • RECKLASS VLOG
      • Recklass Blog
      • SJ's RECKLASS COAST2COAST TOUR JOURNAL
    • "Getting Back To Me" from girl to boy to woman in just fifty years* >
      • Reviews!
      • Excerpts from GBTM >
        • Another Taste
        • Writer to Writer
        • SCOTTIE'S TOUR JOURNAL BLOG
    • "Just Because My Husband's a Woman..." >
      • Excerpts from JBMHAW
  • ZBP IN THE MEDIA: TV, RADIO, STAGE & VIDEO
    • TED TALK
    • TV & RADIO INTERVIEWS >
      • MARCY ON TLC
      • SJ ON "THE SPICY LIFE"
      • RADIO & PODCAST Interviews
      • SJ ON "DENNIS ANYONE?" PODCAST
      • SCOTTIE'S GUEST APPEARANCE ON ALLERGY ACTRESS COOKING SHOW
    • WORLD STAGED READING PREMIERE "THE OTHER WOMAN"- TV SERIES BASED ON "GETTING BACK TO ME"
    • "BOTH SIDES OF THE STORY" VODCAST >
      • Episode 1 - The Introduction, and "IT"
      • Episode 2 -
      • Episode 2 - Pt 2
      • Episode 3 - Pt 2
      • Episode 3 -
      • Episode 4 -
      • Episode 5
      • Episode 6
      • Episode 7
      • Episode 8
      • Episode 9
      • Episode 10
      • Episode 11
      • Episode 12
      • Episode 13
      • Episode 14
      • Episode 15
      • Episode 16
      • Episode 17
      • Episode 18
      • Episode 19
      • Episode 20
      • Episode 21
      • Episode 22
      • Episode 23
      • Episode 24
      • Episode 25
      • Episode 26
      • Episode 27
      • Episode 28
      • Episode 29
      • Episode 30
      • Episode 31
      • Episode 32
      • Episode 33
      • Episode 34
      • Episode 35
      • Episode 36
      • Episode 37
      • Episode 38
      • Episode 39
      • Episode 40
      • Episode 41
      • Episode 42
      • Episode 43
      • Episode 44
    • PHOTO GALLERY
  • THE ARCHIVE VAULT
    • NEWS, EVENTS, APPEARANCES & WORKSHOPS
    • NVIDIA- RAISE IT UP!
    • GOOGLE WORKFORCE
    • Marcy's Talks@Google
    • MARCY'S TALKS@GOOGLE
    • NVIDIA SPEAKER'S SERIES
    • TOWN HALL SEATTLE
    • CSUN Part 1 of 2
    • CSUN - Part 2 of 2
    • SDCC - NAT. COMING OUT DAY
    • SDCC Part 1 of 2
    • SDCC Part 2 of 2
    • BERKELEY FIREHOUSE
    • SDCC - NAT. COMING OUT DAY17
    • SJ TALKS ABOUT "the kiss @ 10 years"
    • SEATTLE TOUR REPORT
    • RELEASE TOUR BLOG
  • DONATE
  • Store
  • VITALS