Another taste of "Getting Back To Me" - The Introduction
I knew being who I really am wasn’t in the cards for me. So I came up with a noble plan. I would earn my womanhood next lifetime by being everyone’s best man this go-around.
Which almost worked.
It all started with a simple question – How could my life be so wrong? I was known for being not only happy but “too god damned exuberant!” Well, if that was true, then how could those thoughts and feelings that stalked the “happy” – constantly hanging over it, like bats in a cave – be so consumed with “it?”
If I closed my eyes “it” was there.
When I opened them, “it” was still there.
When I was happy, “it” was there to dim the light.
When I was sad, “it” would seize the moment and blow up my depression to epic proportions.
Nothing could ever dispel the darkness when “it” descended. Despite all I did to hide “it,” run from “it,” and keep “it” behind fortress walls, “it” became stronger. “It” was the terminal denial I learned to use to imprison myself, a choking black smoke so thick it drowned out the pounding of fists pleading for release from the dungeon:
I am, and always have been, a woman.
But the above statement means nothing, certainly not worthy of the crushing weight described, unless you know that my body had been born a boy, forced to live a boy’s life, destined to die a false and ultimately lonely death. This crime was perfect in its undeniable plausibility: I was the firstborn, my father’s only son, my mother’s “baby,” and my three little sisters’ “big bro.” I cherished my position, loving the responsibility of caring, watching over and protecting them more than oxygen.
Life kept trying to affirm the mirror’s male reflection. I was all boy: good at sports, a leader, captain and coach. As I grew older, I found true love and heavenly marriage.
As a filmmaker/television producer in the adventure-documentary world, “success” was my armor of choice and I hid myself behind a carefully constructed “dude” who was at home in the gritty outdoor arena of remote mountaintops and dense jungles. I developed a hard-won reputation for leading my crews into some of the most dangerous places in the world and then home again safely, and military alpha-wolves to places not even they dreamed of conquering. And they all trusted me as the one who has been there, done that, with heavier equipment.
I had built a great guy named Scott.
He was a good man, damnit, and I was killing myself to insure that.
He wasn’t a lie, a fake or an imposter, but steward and stand-in for the me locked away by my own hand.
It took until this past year to really accept that. But it’s one thing to accept the cause of the suffocating veil that hung over my life, sticking to every thought, prayer and feeling. . .
And quite another to do something about it.
When “it” didn’t go away, never got outgrown, became harder and harder to ignore, and I still didn’t do anything about it, Grace had to take over for me. And for once, I was smart enough and strong enough to get out of its way.
But I’m getting ahead of myself…
Scottie Jeanette Christine Madden, Summer 2015
Which almost worked.
It all started with a simple question – How could my life be so wrong? I was known for being not only happy but “too god damned exuberant!” Well, if that was true, then how could those thoughts and feelings that stalked the “happy” – constantly hanging over it, like bats in a cave – be so consumed with “it?”
If I closed my eyes “it” was there.
When I opened them, “it” was still there.
When I was happy, “it” was there to dim the light.
When I was sad, “it” would seize the moment and blow up my depression to epic proportions.
Nothing could ever dispel the darkness when “it” descended. Despite all I did to hide “it,” run from “it,” and keep “it” behind fortress walls, “it” became stronger. “It” was the terminal denial I learned to use to imprison myself, a choking black smoke so thick it drowned out the pounding of fists pleading for release from the dungeon:
I am, and always have been, a woman.
But the above statement means nothing, certainly not worthy of the crushing weight described, unless you know that my body had been born a boy, forced to live a boy’s life, destined to die a false and ultimately lonely death. This crime was perfect in its undeniable plausibility: I was the firstborn, my father’s only son, my mother’s “baby,” and my three little sisters’ “big bro.” I cherished my position, loving the responsibility of caring, watching over and protecting them more than oxygen.
Life kept trying to affirm the mirror’s male reflection. I was all boy: good at sports, a leader, captain and coach. As I grew older, I found true love and heavenly marriage.
As a filmmaker/television producer in the adventure-documentary world, “success” was my armor of choice and I hid myself behind a carefully constructed “dude” who was at home in the gritty outdoor arena of remote mountaintops and dense jungles. I developed a hard-won reputation for leading my crews into some of the most dangerous places in the world and then home again safely, and military alpha-wolves to places not even they dreamed of conquering. And they all trusted me as the one who has been there, done that, with heavier equipment.
I had built a great guy named Scott.
He was a good man, damnit, and I was killing myself to insure that.
He wasn’t a lie, a fake or an imposter, but steward and stand-in for the me locked away by my own hand.
It took until this past year to really accept that. But it’s one thing to accept the cause of the suffocating veil that hung over my life, sticking to every thought, prayer and feeling. . .
And quite another to do something about it.
When “it” didn’t go away, never got outgrown, became harder and harder to ignore, and I still didn’t do anything about it, Grace had to take over for me. And for once, I was smart enough and strong enough to get out of its way.
But I’m getting ahead of myself…
Scottie Jeanette Christine Madden, Summer 2015
